Welcome Miji!

Here we are in Nashville...LOVE the hat!

This is Miji! Isn't she cute?

Okay, D..a little looser...don't hurt her! Big hugs!

Okay, so first, sorry it has been so long...those in touch know that finals sucked! I have turned in chapter two of my disseratation and am affording myself a two week break before I start working on revisions and chapter 3...

Next...the biggest update? I got a Puppy! Her name is Miji which is a combination of Marjorie (my grandmother's name) and Mimi (what I called her). She is part Shi Tzu and part Bison Frise...called a Shizon..she is golden blondish, weighs about 14 pounds and is now 6 months old (we have had her for about 2 months)...I absolutely love her...she follows me around and snuggles with me and is just perfect! Now, the bad part is that D is making her crazy..he chases her, pulls her tail, sits on her, and steals her toys...I think he is taking out all of the jealousy that he would on a sibling...Still, the other worry was E and he is getting used to her...even being nice to her...she is pretty cute and actually looks like a teddy bear. The best part is that having her has really helped me...I may never accept our circumstances completely, but I am learning to live with them. So check out the picture above...doesn't D look like he is holding her a little too tight?...good thing is that she loves him too and hides from him when she has had enough.

So, as for the rest of life...it is really good...We spent a week In Las Vegas with another family and D and C came...it was tons of fun and C and I went horseback riding in the desert...E won $550 bucks in the slots at the airport! Then we came back and E and I went to Nashville, just the two of us, for 4 days...it was really wonderful...I remembered how much I absolutely love and adore my husband...we had so much fun together and it was a good refresher for those tough days...

Now, I am just working, relaxing, reading some great novels (waiting for Harry Potter on Saturday) and working out...oh yeah, I have worked out consistently (at least 6 days a week) for the last 4 weeks and have lost 6 lbs! not too bad...had to do something after last semester's weight gain...so I hope to post a little more consistently now (I can see you all rolling your eyes)...I want to make sure to write when I am happy (like now) and not just when I am sad.

Holes...

Well, let's start with the good new...As many of you know, I gave a talk at Harvard last week. It went really well...Standing room only..people asked to work with me..it was such an exhilirating feeling, being accepted and recognized in my professional community! I know I am bragging, but it is my blog :) Anyway, the rest of the trip sucked...
I went to my grandmother's grave and felt so profoundly sad...it feels like yesterday. I think all that talk about "it gets better with time" is just BS...it does not..I miss her as much now as I did seven years ago, sometimes more. As I sat in the snow on the ground and poured my heart out to her, all the questions I need answers to and the sad and happy events in my life, the pain welled. I knew that when I got up and walked away, I still wouldn't have any answers. The immense loss, the hole in my heart that she left, makes me feel so lonely. I long for the unconditonal, never faltering, never far, love and support. I always knew how special she was and how much she meant to me and I am lucky that I could tell her that before she died. So what is my point? I miss her everyday and still have trouble moving on without her.
Second sucky thing- I went to visit an aunt, one of the few family members I have kept in touch with and although the visit seemed fine as I went to leave she told me that she thinks that I bear some responsibility for my mothers journey into the mental insitution..ouch! I do not deny that things were rough, nor do I think I was a perfect daughter, but I was a CHILD...the most painful part was not that I think my aunt was right, but that she thought that...all this time, this is what she really thought..I feel so betrayed. By the way, this aunt has NOT kept in touch with my mother...that burden has fallen only on me....It is perfect because what I need in my life is more guilt.
Finally, last Friday (March 2nd) was the due date for the baby that miscarried last summer. That means that I could have had a baby right now...but I don't. I know that at some point I have to put this all behind me and move on, but it make me so sad. I really feel that the journey is over, partly and maybe mostly, because I am just not sure that I can ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I am tired of facing this problem, tired of fighting, tired of hurting, tired of people feeling bad for me...I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I want to find a way to accept what I have and not feel that hole...I want to wake up and not be enveloped with sadness for what I don't have. I am afraid that if I don't find a way to deal with this, I will waste my life being sad about it and not spend time appreciating what I do have. I don't want D to remember me as sad...and if I can't find a place to put this loss I will do exactly what I didn't want- make D feel like he wasn't enough. So I think it is time to start healing...I am not sure how, but I am working hard on figuring it out.
I have mentioned to E that I really think that a puppy would help, someone to cuddle, snuggle, and love that would love me back unconditionally, be loyal and faithful to me...somone that I can cry in front of and she will not think that she needs to fix it- will accept me ALWAYS, flaws and all....someone to snuggle on my lap when I study and lick my tears when I cry...I need an emotional connection to someone that I am not afraid will hurt me. I know how much E & D love me, but I am not sure that I will ever stop being afraid of the hurt that comes with loving anyone as much as I love them. Everyone I have ever loved as hurt me, maybe not intentionally and probably often because of strong sense of love I felt for them, that I hurt for them...But a puppy...well maybe she can fill the holes, one lick at a time.

Answers and more Questions...

Well, so in response to the last post, I finally have a dissertation question. It came alot faster than I though it would, thanks to my AWESOME advisor. So, this sounds a bit convaluded..but basically I want to look at how cultural capital and social reproduction play out in schools. There was a great study done by a woman named Annette Lareau (who is currently teaching here at MD and with whom I am also working) that defined different parenting styles designated by class. She proposed that theses parenting styles actually affected the children's abilities to do well in school because schools privileged the middle class style of parenting, called concerted cultivation, over the working/poor class, called accomplishment of natural growth. What I would like to do is to actually go into the schools and see what this privileging looks like. My argument of course would be that the policies themselves also privilege one class over another. So that is the answer :)
The questions...as some of you know, E and I have been going to MC and we are really, really doing well. I have never felt so connected to him, so close to him, and so much in love with him. He is really an amazing and loving man and I have returned to my initial observation that he is G-d's gift to me for all I have been through in my life. However, the process has been SO painful. Reliving the disappointments and past hurts sometimes feels like hell. I know that the end process is so worth it and can even see benefits now, but sometimes I wonder if it will always be this much work. Can I maintain this level of constant work? is this what relationships are really about? will it ever just be "natural"? i know that I am a fighter and will always *fight*, but I do hope that home is a place that I can let my guard down and just be. I feel like the process somehow undercuts the self esteem I have worked so hard to build. I have to constantly analyze why I do and say what I do and i realize that I am not always *nice*...the bigger problem of course comes in trying to figure out why I am not nice, why I try to evoke shame or pain...that then is a reminder of my past..the painful stuff I have *dealt with*....I know that a stronger US only comes from each of us becoming stronger as individuals...still, does the pain of the past ever go away, does time REALLY heal all wounds?

Dissertation Question Anyone?

Well, since I originally started this blog as a way to record our fertility journey and that is essentially stalled, I decided to write about something else..and since the next thing in my life that is all consuming is graduate school..ta da!
I met with a professor yesterday to begin discussions about the ever elusive dissertation question. She gave me some advice about how to start: take the three areas I am interested in, education, policy, and social inequality; and then list all of the topics below them, so for example under education it may say, achievement, testing, vouchers, etc. and then I have to rank order the topics ...and of course two things happen 1) you figure out that there is some overlap, for example vouchers is both about education, a form of policy, and a topic of social inequality ( BTW- I am NOT interested in doing anything about vouchers) and 2) you can begin to narrow the general areas to more specific topics...hopefully that helps *me* figure out a question.
Next she wants me to list all the books in these areas that are relevant, those I have read and need to read and figure out what my dissertation could potentially add to them. That seems like a tall order...I mean these are some brilliant sociologists, economists, and scholars, and I am supposed to *amend* their work??? This "literature review" of sorts will be part of my dissertation proposal which she would like me to write this semester...
So on the one hand this is good because it is moving things along, on the other..OMG- I am feeling a bit overwhelmed, incredibly anxious, and a bit intimidated at such a BIG task looming in front of me. Okay, back to work...making lists :) Thoughts? Those that have "been" there?

Found: Fellow TTP Survivor

So- on the same vein of my body SUCKS- there was an interesting article in the Post this past week. A woman who was a pretty well known basketball player in the area was diagnosed with none other than Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura or for those who are a bit tongue tied, TTP. Read the article http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/24/AR2007012402268.html

Most of you know that this is the disease that I have that has effectively ended the extension of our family. I was diagnosed when pregnant with D and relapsed when he was 18 months old. A series of blood tests have shown that although I am in remission and not symptomatic, that the disease is still hanging out in my body. This means that I need to be "very aware" of what is going on with my body, say the doctors. If I sneeze, here come the antibiotics!

I have had a lot of time to come to grips with all the why bad stuff happens to good people thing, I mean maybe I am not as good as I think I am :)...still, it was pretty emotional to read the woman's story. Anway, I called her because I thought it would be nice to meet someone else with TTP and guess what? she e-mailed me today and wants to talk. It turns out that she was treated by my doctor and my nurses. I am really excited about the prospect of having someone else who deals with the same level of body betrayal to commisserate with :)

Since I am such a chatterbox, talking about it is always healing. Living with the fear of knowing that I may have already met my match, and although I have won some battles, I will never win the war, is one more challenge I endure. I hate when people say all that "whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"...I do NOT need to be any stronger..I like myself just as I am. Still, it keeps life exciting...and maybe holds the threads for a new friendship.

Lesson #1 for the World

I hate the smugness that fertile women assume! I mean, seriously, we can not all just get pregnant. I hate that people just assume that we are all "so happy" for them...now, I do not ever wish upon anyone what has happened to us, but I do wish people could be more considerate.
I wanted more babies...I wanted a bigger family..but that is not what the world has in store for me. I want others to be more thoughtful about how the rest of us feel. I can't tell you how many times a week I get asked "when are you having more children? doesn't D need a sibling? oh, your such a good mom, why not have more? So when is the next one?" ARGGGGGGGGG!
I do not need to be reminded on a regular basis that my body SUCKS...that I can't do what every woman is supposed to be able to do, that I have failed my adoring husband who wanted more children, the amazing child I have that would love a sibling and myself, who thought my life would revolve around a brood of children. I remember all of this by myself. EVERYDAY.
I do not expect that strangers will offer sympathy or contain their wonderment, but I do expect that they should contain their tongues...it would be a nice lesson for the world to learn that you shouldn't say *everything* that you think.
And for those who are supposed to be my friends- if you know me and you care about me, then you must now that although I REALLY am happy for you, this is incredibly hard for me. The divide that comes between those who can and those who can't often seems untenable and although I hope that I do not become a resentful old woman for what I didn't have, I know that I am resentful now, at this moment. And I am not angry at my friends, nor do I wish them anything but joy, happiness, and good health, but I wish they would be considerate enough to wish me the same...to understand that althought their pregancy has nothing to do with me and really is about them and their family, my feelings have nothing to with them and everything to do with me and my family. So know I wish you strong, smooth and healthy pregancies, and please respect that I can't be part of it because it reminds me to much of my hurt and pain.
I do not know that this pain ever heals, but I do expect that it gets more bareable. Still, since our last gestational cycle only ended 2 months ago and the pregnancy from the baby that miscarried would have been due in 2 months - it is all a little too soon to expect that I could just have *moved on*.
Each day I come to grips with what my life will be, how it will not be what I thought it would, not better or worse, just different...Everyday I grieve my body's betrayal and my loss in the belief of karma..please respect my privacy while I do so.

Stretch Armstrong Syndrome

So, for those who don't know I am currently part of a research team working on a project in a local school system. We are gathering information about a specific intiative that has been put in place to help schools that have been designated "in need of improvement". Today was an interview day...can I just say...Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!! I did not have the tape recorder on! What a stupid mistake...I am really frustrated...of course I did wake up at 5am...more argh...you all know I am NOT a morning person. Now I have to reconstruct the meeting/interview from memory..good news is I went to the other school and tracked down the person who has not been returning my calls...I fell like I am practicing stalking :)
Lately I feel like I am being pulled in a hundred directions...work, classes, conferences, volunteer stuff, GSA, family..no down time ...I am supposed to get my nails done tomorrow and Ethan asked me if "is it important?"...I said "hell yeah! It is important to me!" :) I didn't make it to the gym last night and wont be able to go at all this week...that sucks...now I gotta be really careful about the calories...
I guess the mood of the day is not happy...still...R comes into town tomorrow and I am hoping to get a bit of quality time with her...and then I have a conference on Friday and J and I are staying in a hotel! whoo hoo!
So- the question of the day...how do you say no? I am so bad at that...the hero complex allows me to overcommitt...advice?

Catching up

so, it has been months since I have written- but I told a friend that I would start trying (thanks J!)...lots has changed and nothing has changed...So, in no particular order:
School- I figured out that I will be finished coursework at the end of the summer...on the one hand it is relieving, on the other scary as all hell...that means dissertation is around the corner...It also means this semester, which starts tomorrow is really crazy..I am part of a research team and doing some intense research, I am also taking 3 classes! one of which is stats! yuck!
D- he is doing well, although his hair is a bit out of control:) He is loving school and we have his parent/teacher conference this week...wonder if he will fail potty again :) I also volunteered (with all my spare time) to organize the book fair for his school...this is the working mother's guilt catching up with me especially because the last thing I have time for is making these little fliers and running around to get book lists. Still, it is nice to be a part of something that is for him, at least indirectly..makes me feel more involved...a could do a whole posting about working mother's guilt...
Family- Co is doing better in shool after the big suspension and D continues to do well at work - things are a bit tense around the house with the constant television watching ad video game playing..at least football only has one more week. Ca is really loving college and went back two days ago after being home all month. She actually called college her "home"...dagger to my heart :( Still, I know that it is good that she enjoys it, is doing so well and really finding her own..I just miss her so much more than I expected I would
E- well, we finally started the big MC...I think he is really appreciating it whereas it is painful as all hell to me...I see this being the center of many more blog entries..overall, I think we are doing okay, but mostly because his effort is keeping me from blowing up..I just think that he doesn't understand how hurt I am ...I know this is going to be a fruitful road, but I think it is going to suck more than I expected...(seems like a theme, my not expecting the right thing)
Fertility issues- so, at this point we have officially stopped...for those not in the "know" our second attempt failed and so although we have 3 embryos, we do not have a carrier...and truthfully I do not know how I feel about all that.... on the one hand, I know that our family is not complete, on the other hand, I recognize that I may not have a choice about it being complete...I am also not sure how many more failed attempts I can go through..the miscarriage over the summer really threw me for a loop...it doesn't help that my critical friends are both pregnant..maybe there is no karma...maybe there is something about me???? okay, no feeling sorry for myself (that is my self-imposed rule)....still, I HATE the confusion...I just want someone to tell me to keep trying or stop...however, we all know that is NOT how it works
Work- Have I mentioned that I really LOVE my job...things here are going well..this week is one year in the office! Hooray!...lots of conferences coming up and I just got a paper accepted at the Harvard Graduate Student Conference...Yay Boston!
Done- so besides all of the above I am still trying to work out (Thank you A!) and am still president of the Graduate Student Association, planning our own grad student conference, and trying to stay sane...not to mention that our house has NOT sold...ouch..so now we have to make another round of decisions about that....yuck...can't we have any smooth rides? not free, just smooth?