So- on the same vein of my body SUCKS- there was an interesting article in the Post this past week. A woman who was a pretty well known basketball player in the area was diagnosed with none other than Thrombotic Thrombocytopenic Purpura or for those who are a bit tongue tied, TTP. Read the article http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/01/24/AR2007012402268.html
Most of you know that this is the disease that I have that has effectively ended the extension of our family. I was diagnosed when pregnant with D and relapsed when he was 18 months old. A series of blood tests have shown that although I am in remission and not symptomatic, that the disease is still hanging out in my body. This means that I need to be "very aware" of what is going on with my body, say the doctors. If I sneeze, here come the antibiotics!
I have had a lot of time to come to grips with all the why bad stuff happens to good people thing, I mean maybe I am not as good as I think I am :)...still, it was pretty emotional to read the woman's story. Anway, I called her because I thought it would be nice to meet someone else with TTP and guess what? she e-mailed me today and wants to talk. It turns out that she was treated by my doctor and my nurses. I am really excited about the prospect of having someone else who deals with the same level of body betrayal to commisserate with :)
Since I am such a chatterbox, talking about it is always healing. Living with the fear of knowing that I may have already met my match, and although I have won some battles, I will never win the war, is one more challenge I endure. I hate when people say all that "whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger"...I do NOT need to be any stronger..I like myself just as I am. Still, it keeps life exciting...and maybe holds the threads for a new friendship.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Lesson #1 for the World
I hate the smugness that fertile women assume! I mean, seriously, we can not all just get pregnant. I hate that people just assume that we are all "so happy" for them...now, I do not ever wish upon anyone what has happened to us, but I do wish people could be more considerate.
I wanted more babies...I wanted a bigger family..but that is not what the world has in store for me. I want others to be more thoughtful about how the rest of us feel. I can't tell you how many times a week I get asked "when are you having more children? doesn't D need a sibling? oh, your such a good mom, why not have more? So when is the next one?" ARGGGGGGGGG!
I do not need to be reminded on a regular basis that my body SUCKS...that I can't do what every woman is supposed to be able to do, that I have failed my adoring husband who wanted more children, the amazing child I have that would love a sibling and myself, who thought my life would revolve around a brood of children. I remember all of this by myself. EVERYDAY.
I do not expect that strangers will offer sympathy or contain their wonderment, but I do expect that they should contain their tongues...it would be a nice lesson for the world to learn that you shouldn't say *everything* that you think.
And for those who are supposed to be my friends- if you know me and you care about me, then you must now that although I REALLY am happy for you, this is incredibly hard for me. The divide that comes between those who can and those who can't often seems untenable and although I hope that I do not become a resentful old woman for what I didn't have, I know that I am resentful now, at this moment. And I am not angry at my friends, nor do I wish them anything but joy, happiness, and good health, but I wish they would be considerate enough to wish me the same...to understand that althought their pregancy has nothing to do with me and really is about them and their family, my feelings have nothing to with them and everything to do with me and my family. So know I wish you strong, smooth and healthy pregancies, and please respect that I can't be part of it because it reminds me to much of my hurt and pain.
I do not know that this pain ever heals, but I do expect that it gets more bareable. Still, since our last gestational cycle only ended 2 months ago and the pregnancy from the baby that miscarried would have been due in 2 months - it is all a little too soon to expect that I could just have *moved on*.
Each day I come to grips with what my life will be, how it will not be what I thought it would, not better or worse, just different...Everyday I grieve my body's betrayal and my loss in the belief of karma..please respect my privacy while I do so.
I wanted more babies...I wanted a bigger family..but that is not what the world has in store for me. I want others to be more thoughtful about how the rest of us feel. I can't tell you how many times a week I get asked "when are you having more children? doesn't D need a sibling? oh, your such a good mom, why not have more? So when is the next one?" ARGGGGGGGGG!
I do not need to be reminded on a regular basis that my body SUCKS...that I can't do what every woman is supposed to be able to do, that I have failed my adoring husband who wanted more children, the amazing child I have that would love a sibling and myself, who thought my life would revolve around a brood of children. I remember all of this by myself. EVERYDAY.
I do not expect that strangers will offer sympathy or contain their wonderment, but I do expect that they should contain their tongues...it would be a nice lesson for the world to learn that you shouldn't say *everything* that you think.
And for those who are supposed to be my friends- if you know me and you care about me, then you must now that although I REALLY am happy for you, this is incredibly hard for me. The divide that comes between those who can and those who can't often seems untenable and although I hope that I do not become a resentful old woman for what I didn't have, I know that I am resentful now, at this moment. And I am not angry at my friends, nor do I wish them anything but joy, happiness, and good health, but I wish they would be considerate enough to wish me the same...to understand that althought their pregancy has nothing to do with me and really is about them and their family, my feelings have nothing to with them and everything to do with me and my family. So know I wish you strong, smooth and healthy pregancies, and please respect that I can't be part of it because it reminds me to much of my hurt and pain.
I do not know that this pain ever heals, but I do expect that it gets more bareable. Still, since our last gestational cycle only ended 2 months ago and the pregnancy from the baby that miscarried would have been due in 2 months - it is all a little too soon to expect that I could just have *moved on*.
Each day I come to grips with what my life will be, how it will not be what I thought it would, not better or worse, just different...Everyday I grieve my body's betrayal and my loss in the belief of karma..please respect my privacy while I do so.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Stretch Armstrong Syndrome
So, for those who don't know I am currently part of a research team working on a project in a local school system. We are gathering information about a specific intiative that has been put in place to help schools that have been designated "in need of improvement". Today was an interview day...can I just say...Arghhhhhhhhhh!!!! I did not have the tape recorder on! What a stupid mistake...I am really frustrated...of course I did wake up at 5am...more argh...you all know I am NOT a morning person. Now I have to reconstruct the meeting/interview from memory..good news is I went to the other school and tracked down the person who has not been returning my calls...I fell like I am practicing stalking :)
Lately I feel like I am being pulled in a hundred directions...work, classes, conferences, volunteer stuff, GSA, family..no down time ...I am supposed to get my nails done tomorrow and Ethan asked me if "is it important?"...I said "hell yeah! It is important to me!" :) I didn't make it to the gym last night and wont be able to go at all this week...that sucks...now I gotta be really careful about the calories...
I guess the mood of the day is not happy...still...R comes into town tomorrow and I am hoping to get a bit of quality time with her...and then I have a conference on Friday and J and I are staying in a hotel! whoo hoo!
So- the question of the day...how do you say no? I am so bad at that...the hero complex allows me to overcommitt...advice?
Lately I feel like I am being pulled in a hundred directions...work, classes, conferences, volunteer stuff, GSA, family..no down time ...I am supposed to get my nails done tomorrow and Ethan asked me if "is it important?"...I said "hell yeah! It is important to me!" :) I didn't make it to the gym last night and wont be able to go at all this week...that sucks...now I gotta be really careful about the calories...
I guess the mood of the day is not happy...still...R comes into town tomorrow and I am hoping to get a bit of quality time with her...and then I have a conference on Friday and J and I are staying in a hotel! whoo hoo!
So- the question of the day...how do you say no? I am so bad at that...the hero complex allows me to overcommitt...advice?
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Catching up
so, it has been months since I have written- but I told a friend that I would start trying (thanks J!)...lots has changed and nothing has changed...So, in no particular order:
School- I figured out that I will be finished coursework at the end of the summer...on the one hand it is relieving, on the other scary as all hell...that means dissertation is around the corner...It also means this semester, which starts tomorrow is really crazy..I am part of a research team and doing some intense research, I am also taking 3 classes! one of which is stats! yuck!
D- he is doing well, although his hair is a bit out of control:) He is loving school and we have his parent/teacher conference this week...wonder if he will fail potty again :) I also volunteered (with all my spare time) to organize the book fair for his school...this is the working mother's guilt catching up with me especially because the last thing I have time for is making these little fliers and running around to get book lists. Still, it is nice to be a part of something that is for him, at least indirectly..makes me feel more involved...a could do a whole posting about working mother's guilt...
Family- Co is doing better in shool after the big suspension and D continues to do well at work - things are a bit tense around the house with the constant television watching ad video game playing..at least football only has one more week. Ca is really loving college and went back two days ago after being home all month. She actually called college her "home"...dagger to my heart :( Still, I know that it is good that she enjoys it, is doing so well and really finding her own..I just miss her so much more than I expected I would
E- well, we finally started the big MC...I think he is really appreciating it whereas it is painful as all hell to me...I see this being the center of many more blog entries..overall, I think we are doing okay, but mostly because his effort is keeping me from blowing up..I just think that he doesn't understand how hurt I am ...I know this is going to be a fruitful road, but I think it is going to suck more than I expected...(seems like a theme, my not expecting the right thing)
Fertility issues- so, at this point we have officially stopped...for those not in the "know" our second attempt failed and so although we have 3 embryos, we do not have a carrier...and truthfully I do not know how I feel about all that.... on the one hand, I know that our family is not complete, on the other hand, I recognize that I may not have a choice about it being complete...I am also not sure how many more failed attempts I can go through..the miscarriage over the summer really threw me for a loop...it doesn't help that my critical friends are both pregnant..maybe there is no karma...maybe there is something about me???? okay, no feeling sorry for myself (that is my self-imposed rule)....still, I HATE the confusion...I just want someone to tell me to keep trying or stop...however, we all know that is NOT how it works
Work- Have I mentioned that I really LOVE my job...things here are going well..this week is one year in the office! Hooray!...lots of conferences coming up and I just got a paper accepted at the Harvard Graduate Student Conference...Yay Boston!
Done- so besides all of the above I am still trying to work out (Thank you A!) and am still president of the Graduate Student Association, planning our own grad student conference, and trying to stay sane...not to mention that our house has NOT sold...ouch..so now we have to make another round of decisions about that....yuck...can't we have any smooth rides? not free, just smooth?
School- I figured out that I will be finished coursework at the end of the summer...on the one hand it is relieving, on the other scary as all hell...that means dissertation is around the corner...It also means this semester, which starts tomorrow is really crazy..I am part of a research team and doing some intense research, I am also taking 3 classes! one of which is stats! yuck!
D- he is doing well, although his hair is a bit out of control:) He is loving school and we have his parent/teacher conference this week...wonder if he will fail potty again :) I also volunteered (with all my spare time) to organize the book fair for his school...this is the working mother's guilt catching up with me especially because the last thing I have time for is making these little fliers and running around to get book lists. Still, it is nice to be a part of something that is for him, at least indirectly..makes me feel more involved...a could do a whole posting about working mother's guilt...
Family- Co is doing better in shool after the big suspension and D continues to do well at work - things are a bit tense around the house with the constant television watching ad video game playing..at least football only has one more week. Ca is really loving college and went back two days ago after being home all month. She actually called college her "home"...dagger to my heart :( Still, I know that it is good that she enjoys it, is doing so well and really finding her own..I just miss her so much more than I expected I would
E- well, we finally started the big MC...I think he is really appreciating it whereas it is painful as all hell to me...I see this being the center of many more blog entries..overall, I think we are doing okay, but mostly because his effort is keeping me from blowing up..I just think that he doesn't understand how hurt I am ...I know this is going to be a fruitful road, but I think it is going to suck more than I expected...(seems like a theme, my not expecting the right thing)
Fertility issues- so, at this point we have officially stopped...for those not in the "know" our second attempt failed and so although we have 3 embryos, we do not have a carrier...and truthfully I do not know how I feel about all that.... on the one hand, I know that our family is not complete, on the other hand, I recognize that I may not have a choice about it being complete...I am also not sure how many more failed attempts I can go through..the miscarriage over the summer really threw me for a loop...it doesn't help that my critical friends are both pregnant..maybe there is no karma...maybe there is something about me???? okay, no feeling sorry for myself (that is my self-imposed rule)....still, I HATE the confusion...I just want someone to tell me to keep trying or stop...however, we all know that is NOT how it works
Work- Have I mentioned that I really LOVE my job...things here are going well..this week is one year in the office! Hooray!...lots of conferences coming up and I just got a paper accepted at the Harvard Graduate Student Conference...Yay Boston!
Done- so besides all of the above I am still trying to work out (Thank you A!) and am still president of the Graduate Student Association, planning our own grad student conference, and trying to stay sane...not to mention that our house has NOT sold...ouch..so now we have to make another round of decisions about that....yuck...can't we have any smooth rides? not free, just smooth?
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