Avoiding and Pondering

So I realize that the last posting was really just an attempt to avoid talking about what I really want to say...Lately I have been incredibly discouraged with life.
Now, I have real issues about feeling sorry for myself, but I feel that if there really is a G-d, s/he must hate me. Just the fact that I am not sure G-d exists is a statement about my current disposition, as a modern-conservadox Jew who has been relatively observant for the last 9 years, it downright scares me that I have begun to think it is some sort of "hoax" (no offense meant to those who are believers)...I guess it is more generally a coping mechanism and the need to control SOMETHING in my life
The problem is, I don't really think the world is balanced..I mentioned to a friend that the good things in my life haven't really balanced out all the bad...then I began to ponder if this is really true because I have learned many things, even from the bad stuff...I learned that there are people in the world who will sacrifice a part of themselves in order to help someone else, that miracles can and do happen, that sometimes, the bad stuff has to happen to make room for the good stuff..that crisis may bring you closer to those who don't believe in emotion and that no matter what, I will get through it.
Still, the loss of - loved ones, my health, the ability to carry a baby, and maybe now even my faith- just seem to be unfair and saddening...in the end, that is how I feel, a little angry, a bit bitter, pretty anxious, but mostly, tired...tired of analyzing, tired of fighting, tired of crying, just tired...I promise all of my posts will not be so depressing...I do have la forza e spera- but sometimes it just helps to get it out