Well, let's start with the good new...As many of you know, I gave a talk at Harvard last week. It went really well...Standing room only..people asked to work with me..it was such an exhilirating feeling, being accepted and recognized in my professional community! I know I am bragging, but it is my blog :) Anyway, the rest of the trip sucked...
I went to my grandmother's grave and felt so profoundly sad...it feels like yesterday. I think all that talk about "it gets better with time" is just BS...it does not..I miss her as much now as I did seven years ago, sometimes more. As I sat in the snow on the ground and poured my heart out to her, all the questions I need answers to and the sad and happy events in my life, the pain welled. I knew that when I got up and walked away, I still wouldn't have any answers. The immense loss, the hole in my heart that she left, makes me feel so lonely. I long for the unconditonal, never faltering, never far, love and support. I always knew how special she was and how much she meant to me and I am lucky that I could tell her that before she died. So what is my point? I miss her everyday and still have trouble moving on without her.
Second sucky thing- I went to visit an aunt, one of the few family members I have kept in touch with and although the visit seemed fine as I went to leave she told me that she thinks that I bear some responsibility for my mothers journey into the mental insitution..ouch! I do not deny that things were rough, nor do I think I was a perfect daughter, but I was a CHILD...the most painful part was not that I think my aunt was right, but that she thought that...all this time, this is what she really thought..I feel so betrayed. By the way, this aunt has NOT kept in touch with my mother...that burden has fallen only on me....It is perfect because what I need in my life is more guilt.
Finally, last Friday (March 2nd) was the due date for the baby that miscarried last summer. That means that I could have had a baby right now...but I don't. I know that at some point I have to put this all behind me and move on, but it make me so sad. I really feel that the journey is over, partly and maybe mostly, because I am just not sure that I can ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I am tired of facing this problem, tired of fighting, tired of hurting, tired of people feeling bad for me...I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I want to find a way to accept what I have and not feel that hole...I want to wake up and not be enveloped with sadness for what I don't have. I am afraid that if I don't find a way to deal with this, I will waste my life being sad about it and not spend time appreciating what I do have. I don't want D to remember me as sad...and if I can't find a place to put this loss I will do exactly what I didn't want- make D feel like he wasn't enough. So I think it is time to start healing...I am not sure how, but I am working hard on figuring it out.
I have mentioned to E that I really think that a puppy would help, someone to cuddle, snuggle, and love that would love me back unconditionally, be loyal and faithful to me...somone that I can cry in front of and she will not think that she needs to fix it- will accept me ALWAYS, flaws and all....someone to snuggle on my lap when I study and lick my tears when I cry...I need an emotional connection to someone that I am not afraid will hurt me. I know how much E & D love me, but I am not sure that I will ever stop being afraid of the hurt that comes with loving anyone as much as I love them. Everyone I have ever loved as hurt me, maybe not intentionally and probably often because of strong sense of love I felt for them, that I hurt for them...But a puppy...well maybe she can fill the holes, one lick at a time.