So, I will continue to post here periodically, but my gestational carrier and I have decided to start our own blog together. Follow our journey at:
http://3embryos2women1womb.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
Monday, February 02, 2009
The Quiet Screams of Excitement
"Are you excited?" I think every person I have told about the baby thing (for lack of a better word) has asked me that question...
Yes, no, sort of, not really, sometimes...does the fact that I can't answer that question directly mean I am not grateful for my second chance or that I am wrong in my decision?
I mean on some level of course I am excited, having a baby again was/is something that I have wanted for so long..and I LOVE babies..I love their smell, their softness, their drool, the way they snuggle up against you, their absolute sense of helplessness..no judgment from a baby..hell, they don't even care whether you've showered today or not. I love the idea of another person loving me like D does..very egocentric, but another orbit in my world..It is comforting to think that when mine and E's time has passed, D won't be alone, that there will be someone else on earth who feels the way he does...
BUT
I too have learned to fear the future..I am leary of the "be careful what you wish for crowd"...E's fears..will we have enough money? will it ruin D's life? can we start over again? are we really just upsetting our apple cart? have worked their way into my brain..I mean E is MY someone else on earth who feels the way I do, right? He is the only other one that fears for D in the same way as me, the only other one that secretly feels like he/I am not the best parent ALL the time, the other person that secretly wonders if we can love anyone the way we love D, the person who I will share my life with forever...so why am I plunging full speed ahead and he is barely holding on? Is it because he is wiser to think things through more or because I am impulsive and follow my desires?
or is it another example of how our biggest strength is also our biggest weakness?
We are opposites...I run in the direction of danger (sometimes stupidly) and he walks that way, I act then think, he always thinks first...I am emotional and he is rational...I make decisions with my heart, often without regard for the consequences and he makes them with his brain (sometimes without regard for emotions)...together we make a perfect unit..he is the yin to my yang, literally. So I have made him remember that this isn't just a rational decision, and he has made me remember that it isn't just an emotional one..no matter the outcome, there are both emotional and rational consequences...
So, back to the question..I am emotionally excited, but rationally reserved..I am screaming with excitement, quietly..I know how much it will hurt if it doesn't work..but I also know this time, I will survive. I told E, what is the worse case scenario? we end up back where we started, which is where we are..we LOVE our life, we are very happy..we did move on, we did accept our fate...if this doesn't work, we go back to the applecart we are so afraid of upsetting...not so bad, right?
And if it does? Well then we go back to the plans we had before this journey began the first time..the one with a house full of children (or at least two) and we build a new kind of family..not a better one, which might be the lesson we learned during the last go round, but a different one...
As a final thought...much of what I write it about me, my emotions, and my perspectives..E is the silent partner on here..at least he is silent to the public..he didn't tell anyone about the new journey for five days..I'd told all of my close friends within the first 48 hours (except one who STILL hasn't called me back!) ..But behind his silent facade, he does have feelings about all this..he just prefers not to discuss them with the rest of the world..Still, our family is the most important thing in his life. He and I have weathered much in the past 12 years (yes, its been that long) and I know that I can always count on him to watch out for me..to protect my heart, when I don't, to reassure me when I am afraid, and to love me even if I am wrong...
Yes, no, sort of, not really, sometimes...does the fact that I can't answer that question directly mean I am not grateful for my second chance or that I am wrong in my decision?
I mean on some level of course I am excited, having a baby again was/is something that I have wanted for so long..and I LOVE babies..I love their smell, their softness, their drool, the way they snuggle up against you, their absolute sense of helplessness..no judgment from a baby..hell, they don't even care whether you've showered today or not. I love the idea of another person loving me like D does..very egocentric, but another orbit in my world..It is comforting to think that when mine and E's time has passed, D won't be alone, that there will be someone else on earth who feels the way he does...
BUT
I too have learned to fear the future..I am leary of the "be careful what you wish for crowd"...E's fears..will we have enough money? will it ruin D's life? can we start over again? are we really just upsetting our apple cart? have worked their way into my brain..I mean E is MY someone else on earth who feels the way I do, right? He is the only other one that fears for D in the same way as me, the only other one that secretly feels like he/I am not the best parent ALL the time, the other person that secretly wonders if we can love anyone the way we love D, the person who I will share my life with forever...so why am I plunging full speed ahead and he is barely holding on? Is it because he is wiser to think things through more or because I am impulsive and follow my desires?
or is it another example of how our biggest strength is also our biggest weakness?
We are opposites...I run in the direction of danger (sometimes stupidly) and he walks that way, I act then think, he always thinks first...I am emotional and he is rational...I make decisions with my heart, often without regard for the consequences and he makes them with his brain (sometimes without regard for emotions)...together we make a perfect unit..he is the yin to my yang, literally. So I have made him remember that this isn't just a rational decision, and he has made me remember that it isn't just an emotional one..no matter the outcome, there are both emotional and rational consequences...
So, back to the question..I am emotionally excited, but rationally reserved..I am screaming with excitement, quietly..I know how much it will hurt if it doesn't work..but I also know this time, I will survive. I told E, what is the worse case scenario? we end up back where we started, which is where we are..we LOVE our life, we are very happy..we did move on, we did accept our fate...if this doesn't work, we go back to the applecart we are so afraid of upsetting...not so bad, right?
And if it does? Well then we go back to the plans we had before this journey began the first time..the one with a house full of children (or at least two) and we build a new kind of family..not a better one, which might be the lesson we learned during the last go round, but a different one...
As a final thought...much of what I write it about me, my emotions, and my perspectives..E is the silent partner on here..at least he is silent to the public..he didn't tell anyone about the new journey for five days..I'd told all of my close friends within the first 48 hours (except one who STILL hasn't called me back!) ..But behind his silent facade, he does have feelings about all this..he just prefers not to discuss them with the rest of the world..Still, our family is the most important thing in his life. He and I have weathered much in the past 12 years (yes, its been that long) and I know that I can always count on him to watch out for me..to protect my heart, when I don't, to reassure me when I am afraid, and to love me even if I am wrong...
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Dawn of a new journey finds me climbing back on the roller coaster
As I sit staring at this blank screen and think about what I want to say my heart wells up inside of me. Sometimes it seems almost impossible to put the feelings in my heart into words... but I am going to try anyway...
Almost three years ago E and I began a journey that we thought would help us complete our family...we took the lemons we had been handed and tried to make lemonade. After finding out that I could not have any more children or even use my own eggs, we made the decision to use an egg donor and a gestational carrier. At that time an incredibly amazing and selfless friend offered her heart and her body to help us with this dream. We felt so blessed to be presented with such a miracle..we knew how fortunate and lucky we were to have a person that loved us so much and was so invested in our future and our happiness. We jumped on the roller coaster and held on to one another as we plunged into the unknown. Unfortunately, after two cycles and more than a year, we were no closer to that lemonade...
So we stopped..we froze the 3 remaining embryos and we got off the roller coaster. We laughed, but mostly cried about what an incredible ride it was, and made a conscious decision to close up the hole, learn to love the life we have..to move on. We knew we'd never *get over it*...but we also knew we had to try. And for the most part, we did.. we bought a new house, we sent our son to private school, we took tons of vacations, we advanced our careers..we bottled up the hope, set it on a shelf and focused on all that was good in our lives.
And then..four days ago, one of my oldest and dearest friends reached out her hand and asked us to get back on the roller coaster and bring that bottle with us. So here we are...climbing back on.
First, we are incredibly amazed that we have found a second angel among us..most people never have one, and here we have two. The first angel is and always will be a part of this journey, in many ways it continues to be hers as much as ours. Regardless of the outcome, she gave her heart, her soul, and her body to us....she sacrificed much to help us accomplish a dream. I know that in her heart, she still wants this for us as much as we do and she may be one of a very rare few who really understands the depth of that desire. She is an incredibly important part of my life and will always be the first person who taught me to believe in the godliness of others.
The second..well this is not the first time in my life that she has been my superhero...she saw me through much of the destruction in my childhood and taught me to always be true to myself, to believe in myself (even if no one else did) and to fight, to fight as hard as I could for everything I wanted..she was often the reason I made it from one day to the next after my family fell apart. She was my idol...I wanted to be as tough as her, as smart as her, as beautiful as her...but most of all, I wanted her to be proud of me...she was *my person*...the one person who I knew would always be on my side...the reason I didn't have to be lonely, even when I was alone...and now, the one who owes me nothing, but whom I owe so much has offered to be my hero again...
So here I am..scared, scared, scared...but back on that roller coaster..seatbelt fastened, all loose articles stowed..waiting for take off..for wherever this journey goes, I know that I couldn't be in better company...my two angels (three if you count my soulmate) will watch out for me.
Almost three years ago E and I began a journey that we thought would help us complete our family...we took the lemons we had been handed and tried to make lemonade. After finding out that I could not have any more children or even use my own eggs, we made the decision to use an egg donor and a gestational carrier. At that time an incredibly amazing and selfless friend offered her heart and her body to help us with this dream. We felt so blessed to be presented with such a miracle..we knew how fortunate and lucky we were to have a person that loved us so much and was so invested in our future and our happiness. We jumped on the roller coaster and held on to one another as we plunged into the unknown. Unfortunately, after two cycles and more than a year, we were no closer to that lemonade...
So we stopped..we froze the 3 remaining embryos and we got off the roller coaster. We laughed, but mostly cried about what an incredible ride it was, and made a conscious decision to close up the hole, learn to love the life we have..to move on. We knew we'd never *get over it*...but we also knew we had to try. And for the most part, we did.. we bought a new house, we sent our son to private school, we took tons of vacations, we advanced our careers..we bottled up the hope, set it on a shelf and focused on all that was good in our lives.
And then..four days ago, one of my oldest and dearest friends reached out her hand and asked us to get back on the roller coaster and bring that bottle with us. So here we are...climbing back on.
First, we are incredibly amazed that we have found a second angel among us..most people never have one, and here we have two. The first angel is and always will be a part of this journey, in many ways it continues to be hers as much as ours. Regardless of the outcome, she gave her heart, her soul, and her body to us....she sacrificed much to help us accomplish a dream. I know that in her heart, she still wants this for us as much as we do and she may be one of a very rare few who really understands the depth of that desire. She is an incredibly important part of my life and will always be the first person who taught me to believe in the godliness of others.
The second..well this is not the first time in my life that she has been my superhero...she saw me through much of the destruction in my childhood and taught me to always be true to myself, to believe in myself (even if no one else did) and to fight, to fight as hard as I could for everything I wanted..she was often the reason I made it from one day to the next after my family fell apart. She was my idol...I wanted to be as tough as her, as smart as her, as beautiful as her...but most of all, I wanted her to be proud of me...she was *my person*...the one person who I knew would always be on my side...the reason I didn't have to be lonely, even when I was alone...and now, the one who owes me nothing, but whom I owe so much has offered to be my hero again...
So here I am..scared, scared, scared...but back on that roller coaster..seatbelt fastened, all loose articles stowed..waiting for take off..for wherever this journey goes, I know that I couldn't be in better company...my two angels (three if you count my soulmate) will watch out for me.
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