The Quiet Screams of Excitement

"Are you excited?" I think every person I have told about the baby thing (for lack of a better word) has asked me that question...

Yes, no, sort of, not really, sometimes...does the fact that I can't answer that question directly mean I am not grateful for my second chance or that I am wrong in my decision?

I mean on some level of course I am excited, having a baby again was/is something that I have wanted for so long..and I LOVE babies..I love their smell, their softness, their drool, the way they snuggle up against you, their absolute sense of helplessness..no judgment from a baby..hell, they don't even care whether you've showered today or not. I love the idea of another person loving me like D does..very egocentric, but another orbit in my world..It is comforting to think that when mine and E's time has passed, D won't be alone, that there will be someone else on earth who feels the way he does...

BUT

I too have learned to fear the future..I am leary of the "be careful what you wish for crowd"...E's fears..will we have enough money? will it ruin D's life? can we start over again? are we really just upsetting our apple cart? have worked their way into my brain..I mean E is MY someone else on earth who feels the way I do, right? He is the only other one that fears for D in the same way as me, the only other one that secretly feels like he/I am not the best parent ALL the time, the other person that secretly wonders if we can love anyone the way we love D, the person who I will share my life with forever...so why am I plunging full speed ahead and he is barely holding on? Is it because he is wiser to think things through more or because I am impulsive and follow my desires?

or is it another example of how our biggest strength is also our biggest weakness?

We are opposites...I run in the direction of danger (sometimes stupidly) and he walks that way, I act then think, he always thinks first...I am emotional and he is rational...I make decisions with my heart, often without regard for the consequences and he makes them with his brain (sometimes without regard for emotions)...together we make a perfect unit..he is the yin to my yang, literally. So I have made him remember that this isn't just a rational decision, and he has made me remember that it isn't just an emotional one..no matter the outcome, there are both emotional and rational consequences...

So, back to the question..I am emotionally excited, but rationally reserved..I am screaming with excitement, quietly..I know how much it will hurt if it doesn't work..but I also know this time, I will survive. I told E, what is the worse case scenario? we end up back where we started, which is where we are..we LOVE our life, we are very happy..we did move on, we did accept our fate...if this doesn't work, we go back to the applecart we are so afraid of upsetting...not so bad, right?

And if it does? Well then we go back to the plans we had before this journey began the first time..the one with a house full of children (or at least two) and we build a new kind of family..not a better one, which might be the lesson we learned during the last go round, but a different one...

As a final thought...much of what I write it about me, my emotions, and my perspectives..E is the silent partner on here..at least he is silent to the public..he didn't tell anyone about the new journey for five days..I'd told all of my close friends within the first 48 hours (except one who STILL hasn't called me back!) ..But behind his silent facade, he does have feelings about all this..he just prefers not to discuss them with the rest of the world..Still, our family is the most important thing in his life. He and I have weathered much in the past 12 years (yes, its been that long) and I know that I can always count on him to watch out for me..to protect my heart, when I don't, to reassure me when I am afraid, and to love me even if I am wrong...