Friday, January 30, 2009

The Dawn of a new journey finds me climbing back on the roller coaster

As I sit staring at this blank screen and think about what I want to say my heart wells up inside of me. Sometimes it seems almost impossible to put the feelings in my heart into words... but I am going to try anyway...

Almost three years ago E and I began a journey that we thought would help us complete our family...we took the lemons we had been handed and tried to make lemonade. After finding out that I could not have any more children or even use my own eggs, we made the decision to use an egg donor and a gestational carrier. At that time an incredibly amazing and selfless friend offered her heart and her body to help us with this dream. We felt so blessed to be presented with such a miracle..we knew how fortunate and lucky we were to have a person that loved us so much and was so invested in our future and our happiness. We jumped on the roller coaster and held on to one another as we plunged into the unknown. Unfortunately, after two cycles and more than a year, we were no closer to that lemonade...

So we stopped..we froze the 3 remaining embryos and we got off the roller coaster. We laughed, but mostly cried about what an incredible ride it was, and made a conscious decision to close up the hole, learn to love the life we move on. We knew we'd never *get over it*...but we also knew we had to try. And for the most part, we did.. we bought a new house, we sent our son to private school, we took tons of vacations, we advanced our careers..we bottled up the hope, set it on a shelf and focused on all that was good in our lives.

And then..four days ago, one of my oldest and dearest friends reached out her hand and asked us to get back on the roller coaster and bring that bottle with us. So here we are...climbing back on.

First, we are incredibly amazed that we have found a second angel among us..most people never have one, and here we have two. The first angel is and always will be a part of this journey, in many ways it continues to be hers as much as ours. Regardless of the outcome, she gave her heart, her soul, and her body to us....she sacrificed much to help us accomplish a dream. I know that in her heart, she still wants this for us as much as we do and she may be one of a very rare few who really understands the depth of that desire. She is an incredibly important part of my life and will always be the first person who taught me to believe in the godliness of others.

The second..well this is not the first time in my life that she has been my superhero...she saw me through much of the destruction in my childhood and taught me to always be true to myself, to believe in myself (even if no one else did) and to fight, to fight as hard as I could for everything I wanted..she was often the reason I made it from one day to the next after my family fell apart. She was my idol...I wanted to be as tough as her, as smart as her, as beautiful as her...but most of all, I wanted her to be proud of me...she was *my person*...the one person who I knew would always be on my side...the reason I didn't have to be lonely, even when I was alone...and now, the one who owes me nothing, but whom I owe so much has offered to be my hero again...

So here I am..scared, scared, scared...but back on that roller coaster..seatbelt fastened, all loose articles stowed..waiting for take off..for wherever this journey goes, I know that I couldn't be in better two angels (three if you count my soulmate) will watch out for me.

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