Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Lesson #1 for the World

I hate the smugness that fertile women assume! I mean, seriously, we can not all just get pregnant. I hate that people just assume that we are all "so happy" for them...now, I do not ever wish upon anyone what has happened to us, but I do wish people could be more considerate.
I wanted more babies...I wanted a bigger family..but that is not what the world has in store for me. I want others to be more thoughtful about how the rest of us feel. I can't tell you how many times a week I get asked "when are you having more children? doesn't D need a sibling? oh, your such a good mom, why not have more? So when is the next one?" ARGGGGGGGGG!
I do not need to be reminded on a regular basis that my body SUCKS...that I can't do what every woman is supposed to be able to do, that I have failed my adoring husband who wanted more children, the amazing child I have that would love a sibling and myself, who thought my life would revolve around a brood of children. I remember all of this by myself. EVERYDAY.
I do not expect that strangers will offer sympathy or contain their wonderment, but I do expect that they should contain their tongues...it would be a nice lesson for the world to learn that you shouldn't say *everything* that you think.
And for those who are supposed to be my friends- if you know me and you care about me, then you must now that although I REALLY am happy for you, this is incredibly hard for me. The divide that comes between those who can and those who can't often seems untenable and although I hope that I do not become a resentful old woman for what I didn't have, I know that I am resentful now, at this moment. And I am not angry at my friends, nor do I wish them anything but joy, happiness, and good health, but I wish they would be considerate enough to wish me the same...to understand that althought their pregancy has nothing to do with me and really is about them and their family, my feelings have nothing to with them and everything to do with me and my family. So know I wish you strong, smooth and healthy pregancies, and please respect that I can't be part of it because it reminds me to much of my hurt and pain.
I do not know that this pain ever heals, but I do expect that it gets more bareable. Still, since our last gestational cycle only ended 2 months ago and the pregnancy from the baby that miscarried would have been due in 2 months - it is all a little too soon to expect that I could just have *moved on*.
Each day I come to grips with what my life will be, how it will not be what I thought it would, not better or worse, just different...Everyday I grieve my body's betrayal and my loss in the belief of karma..please respect my privacy while I do so.


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Lions Den said...

Honey, I'm so sorry. And now it seems that I am the one wishing we were closer. I'm always amazed at the way in which strangers are so willing to insert themselves into our lives and ask questions that I would never think to ask even my closest friends. I did once actually tell someone, when she asked me why I didn't want to have more kids, "I don't know you well enough to have that conversation with you. And I'm sure you don't know me well enough to ask that question of me." She was obviously insulted, but it shut her up. And since I never saw her again, any guilt I had was overshadowed by the incredible liberation I felt at finally being able to tell the world to STFU.

You are an incredibly generous person to allow your friends to share their joy with you. But here's the thing: your friends, your true friends, would never continue to foist their bliss onto you. We would never expect you to share such happiness unconditionally. You've always known that this woman sees the world and our lives revolving around her; she considers you her friends because you give her the attention she craves. But what does she give you?

Lia said...

Keep up the good work.